Bleach Christmas
by Alex McM
Summary: It's almost Christmas and Ichigo is experiencing the worst luck he has ever had and Rukia relives her troubled past. Will they still have a merry Christmas? Contains many dirty jokes, sarcasm, and festive awkwardness. Enjoy or Santa will spit on you!
1. Bad Day

**A Bleached Christmas**

Well, it's the festive season, so I'm writing a Christmas story, and a funny one. There will be dirty jokes, sarcasm, more dirty jokes, awkward moments and some Christmas cheer. This may span a few chapters...I'm not sure. But I hope you enjoy it, if you do, consider it a present for actually reading this. Then, as a present in return, give this story a review.

A crisp layer of snow frosted over the rooftops and the school students trudged through the thick snow to get to school. They wore winter uniforms mostly, but some had a moronic sense of pride and went in summer clothes.

An orange haired boy rose from his bed and ran a hand through his orange spikes. "Oh crap...what's the time?" He asked to no-one at all. Out of nowhere came a response.

"You're late!" A bright cheery female voice said.

The boy made a high pitched shriek and fell off of his bed. He rose angrily and stared daggers at the girl who crawled out of his closet, fully dressed. "Rukia, why didn't you wake me?! We need to get to class in ten minutes!!"

"I'm sorry." Rukia whispered sarcastically. "You looked so comfortable that I decided not to wake you."

"Well...why did you stay? You could have just left me. Now you're gonna be in shit as well." Ichigo rubbed the spot where his skull smashed into the floor.

"I always walk with you..." Rukia muttered, averting her gaze. Ichigo thought she was blushing, but was too tired to take much notice.

"Oh well..." Ichigo struggled for three minutes to get his pants on before realising they were the wrong way around and he was putting the wrong leg in. He sang a cheery string of curses before doing it right and then slipped a t-shirt over his bare chest. He leapt out of the window, rather than use the front door. It was dangerous, but if done right, would save a few measly seconds in the race to school.

"Shouldn't you eat something?" Rukia asked, a concerned expression crossing her face. The black bang which divided her face in two became specked in snow.

"I don't need to eat." Ichigo went silent for a few moments. "You need to get that dandruff checked." He pointed to her hair. Rukia growled fiercely and tackled him into the snow where they wrestled for some time until they were interrupted.

"Hey, love-birds! Save it for later!" A girl with spiky black hair and a muscular build strolled up to them.

"Tatsuke? Why are you so late?" Ichigo looked up with a face covered in snow.

"Well, I was taking a shower when I slipped and banged my head. I feel really stupid."

"What a surprise?" Ichigo muttered, only to be struck with her bag.

When Ichigo's nose stopped bleeding, they walked slowly to school. "We're late even if we run, so let's enjoy it." Tatsuke suggested happily.

"Ooh, rebel!" Ichigo used another sarcastic joke, resulting in another hit. After a few minutes of silence, the trio began to talk again.

"So, Rukia, what do you want for Christmas?" Tatsuke asked with a big smile. Rukia stared at her with wide eyes. She bit her lip and looked around as if the answer was written in the snow somewhere.

"Christmas...um...uh..." Rukia frowned and concentrated as hard as she could, forgetting the others were staring at her in confused awe. "What do you want?" Rukia chirped, forcing a sweet smile.

"Me? Well, I'm getting a sword. My parents said they would let me take up sword fighting once I reach black-belt in karate! But still, what do you want?" She persisted.

Rukia looked at her feet in silence and Ichigo spoke just before it became awkward. "I want-"

"Shut up Ichigo! I wasn't asking you!" Tatsuke glared at him and then looked at Rukia with a gentle expression. "Rukia what's wrong? Why aren't you answering?" She asked softly. Rukia sniffed several times and her mouth quivered. The others just watched her. "Huh? What are you...?"

Rukia bolted.

"Hey! Wait!! Where are you going?! HEY!!! RUKIA!!" Tatsuke ran after, soon followed by Ichigo.

*****

Tatsuke and Ichigo gave up searching after an hour. They dragged themselves to school and crawled up the stairs, exhausted. When they reached their classroom, Ichigo knocked on the door, but he was so weak that it was barely a tap. Even he couldn't hear it, so he did it again. It seemed that the second knock also failed to get attention.

"I see shadows under the door." Someone said inside. A shuffle of footsteps made Ichigo and Tatsuke stagger to their feet, making it just before the door swung open. Their teacher looked at them and sighed.

"What have you done now? You lot are always late, or absent, or running out of class. One day, I want to know why..." She said in a dark tone. The two truants gulped nervously. "But I couldn't care less right now!" Miss Ochi's head rolled to one side and she grinned widely. Ichigo and Tatsuke sighed in relief and limped over to their seats. They were accompanied by a chorus of whispers about possible reasons for their lateness, most of them were sexual.

Ichigo grunted as he sunk into his chair.

"Hey, where's Rukia?" A high voice asked. Ichigo turned to face a girl with long chestnut hair wearing a Santa hat. "Is she off sick today?"

"Um..." Ichigo tried to think of a reason, but even he did not know. "She...fell."

"Where?" The girl asked.

"Uh...down stairs..." Ichigo ad-libbed.

"Aww. Poor Rukia...Oh well, she will feel better on Christmas!" Orihime bounced on her chair as if there were springs in it...or she had worms, Ichigo thought, struggling to not laugh.

He ignored her and faced the front, actually trying to pay attention for once. Within minutes, it stopped. Ichigo watched the teacher walk out of the room, as well as the other students. It was then that Rukia walked in. She wore a seductive smile on her face which made Ichigo shift in his seat.

"Where did you run off to?" He asked.

"It's not important." She whispered in a husky tone which made him tingle. "I've got a present for you..." Rukia leaned over his desk and gazed into his eyes. Ichigo was unsure what to think. It was then that she threw herself on him and her tongue invaded his mouth.

"WHOA FUCK!!" Ichigo blurted out in an unusually high pitched tone, jumping up from his seat. He looked around and the class were all there, as well as the teacher...and Rukia was gone.

_It was a dream...oh crap!_

Ichigo crossed his legs and hid his face from the laughing crowd. He wished he were a turtle right now, able to hide in a protective shell. Not only had he been asleep in class, he cursed as loud as possible and nearly shit himself and now...he had an erection.

Ichigo's mind screamed at him, hurling curses. He looked around nervously and tried to stray his mind as far away from Rukia as possible.

_It...is cold...very cold. Damn this is boring...this is lame...this...thing won't go down!!! Dammit!!_

Ichigo cradled his head in his hands and continued to take his mind off of things. He began to tell jokes in his head. It was working a treat...until...until...

"Ha ha ha." He blurted out in a pitch so high that it could have passed for Micheal Jackson. The class stared at him with disgusted faces as if he had just thrown up over his desk, but right now he felt like doing so.

_This is a really bad day! Someone just kill me-_

"HA! Ichigo's got a hard-on!!" Someone yelled out so loud that the people in the street outside could hear. Uproarious laughter followed and Ichigo's face went so red it looked like it was ready to explode. He rose to his feet and ran out of the room, the laughter followed, echoing down the corridor.

Some members of the class followed, hurling insults at him. Ichigo turned to see how many followers there were, but in the short lapse of concentration, he tripped over. As he fell, one word came to mind.

_Shit..._

Ichigo's 'Christmas tree' crashed to the floor and instantly, he squealed like a tea kettle. Tears spurted out of his eyes and he let out a sustained, high pitched shriek. The noise alerted other classes and soon enough, a crowd had gathered around the orange haired boy who was curled into a ball grasping his crotch, sobbing pathetically like a toddler who had just let go of a helium balloon.

Unfortunately, the fall wasn't the worst part...because amidst his incoherent rants, he cried out for his 'mummy'. The laughter cut through him like knives and he screamed like a woman from a b-grade horror movie.

Ichigo, sick of being humiliated, rose shakily to his feet. He began to walk away, but his sore crotch made him collapse after a few steps.

After ten minutes, Ichigo could stand up well enough to walk away, but he had to lean against the wall otherwise he would fall.

Outside, away from the laughter and cruel jokes of the students, Ichigo limped home. As he crossed a road, his mind blanked and he lost himself in thought.

_How could this day get any worse? _

At that moment, a bright light crossed his vision and he turned to see a black car speeding along the snow-covered road. The brakes squealed, but it was too late. The car crashed into Ichigo and threw him five metres away into a pile of snow.

*****

Nearby, Rukia was sulking behind a bin in an alley. She heard the loud shriek of struggling brakes and a loud thud, followed by hysterical screaming.

She quickly got to her feet and rushed over to the black car parked in the middle of the road.

"What's wrong?" She asked the frightened driver who was biting her own nails to the extent that the were bleeding. She pointed shakily at a spot in the snow where a hand was sticking out. Rukia investigated and cleared the snow away to find Ichigo groaning and lying on his back. "Ichigo?!"

"Oh...what was that? Did I get caught in a stampede or something?" Ichigo asked. His eyes were shut, so he could not see Rukia's concerned face.

"It was a car...Are you okay?" Rukia asked while feeling the back of his head.

"Is that you Rukia?"

"Yes..."

"Why did you run off on us this morning?" Ichigo asked painedly.

"This isn't the time! You need to get to a doctor!" Rukia lifted him into a seated position.

"Why...did you run?" Ichigo muttered.

"I'll tell you later Right now we need to-"

"You're pretty." Ichigo said in a delirious tone.

"Oh, no! You must have concussion!" Rukia said as calmly as possible.

"What's your name little darlin'?" Ichigo asked in an American accent. His eyes were rolling about as if they were the googly eyes on plush animals.

Rukia lifted Ichigo like a baby and cradled him. Ichigo grabbed her by the collar and his eyes narrowed. "Whatever you do...protect my son!! Protect him!!" He yelled in another delirious rant. Rukia ignored him and walked over to the car where the driver was still looking around shocked.

"Um...could you drop us off at a doctors clinic?" Rukia asked.

"You're flat!!" Ichigo shouted. Rukia giggled nervously and made a false grin. The driver opened the door for them and let them in. The car drove off slowly.

A few minutes later, they were dropped off at the Kurosaki clinic. The driver handed them a wad of cash and said it was compensation. Rukia accepted kindly and then carried Ichigo inside. The house was empty. The kitchen sink was stuffed with dishes and a note was left on the fridge.

"Ichigo, have gone to see a movie, will be back late." Rukia read aloud. She felt Ichigo shivering in her arms and so she carried him upstairs to his room. His teeth started chattering so she set him down in the bed with the blankets over him. He smiled at her.

"You're allllllright!" He said in another American accent.

Rukia sighed and sat on the bed beside him. "What am I going to do with you?"

"Fight me!!" Ichigo started to rise but Rukia shoved him back down. Ichigo put up some resistance, making Rukia have to sit on top of him to keep the delirious boy down. After the struggle, Rukia's hair was messed up falling loosely around her face. She was panting and sweating slightly. Ichigo seemed to have calmed down, but was still shivering.

"Snow i-i-is c-cold...v-very co-c-cold..." He stuttered.

Rukia frowned. She was not a nurse, she had no idea how to make him feel warm, but an idea came to mind. She got under the covers with him and wrapped her arms around him. She hugged Ichigo and hoped her warmth would spread to him. It was more comfortable than Rukia imagined and she found herself falling asleep.

Aww. Some Ichi-ruki for christmas, isn't that sweet. But anyway, I hope you enjoyed that. Please review.


	2. Morning Sickness

2.

Somehow, Rukia managed to get a good nights sleep, despite Ichigo's delirious rants going on all night. By morning, a sweet smile was stuck on her face. She had not let go of Ichigo the whole night and even now, she didn't.

Ichigo seemed much calmer now. Hopefully, he was over the concussion. He mumbled something which in Rukia's tired state sounded like "Rukia?" He began to stir and Rukia pushed her face up against his. She was about to kiss him when he made a strange gurgling noise. Before she could respond, Ichigo threw up all over her face. Rukia was thrown backwards into the wall as if she were on strings. She screamed in disgust and wiped at the gooey mess that covered her expression.

Ichigo slowly rose to his feet and stared at his friend. "Sorry..." He uttered so quietly that he could barely hear it himself.

Rukia walked calmly to the bathroom and Ichigo listened as the tap ran for over ten minutes. When it stopped, Rukia strolled in, drying her face with a towel. She wore no shirt, as it had been covered in vomit as well. She frowned at her unfortunate partner and sat down beside him.

"How are you feeling?"

"Well, a bit better now..." Ichigo said in a childish way. "My back is really sore."

"I could give you a massage." Rukia suggested. Ichigo smiled and struggled to sit up. After some assistance from his female friend, he was in a steady seated position. Rukia poked him in the spine and Ichigo yelped like a wounded puppy. "So...it hurts on your spine...maybe you should get that checked out, make sure it isn't broken." She poked him in the shoulder blade and again he made a strange pained noise.

Rukia expressed her sympathy in a non-sensical sound that people use when watching a pet doing something cute.

Ichigo clenched a fist. He had almost lashed out from the pain, but managed to hold in his anger, which was still there from yesterdays events.

Rukia softly rubbed his wounded shoulders and he purred like a kitten, biting his tongue when he realised how strange it sounded. Rukia ignored it and rubbed harder. Ichigo hummed a long, low, sustained note followed by, "Oh yeah, that's good!" His eyes widened when he realised Rukia had stopped. He turned around saw Rukia staring at him awkwardly.

"You're not getting too excited are you?" She asked fearfully.

Ichigo couldn't help but laugh, but it did not help at all. "Sorry...again..."

"It's not your fault." Rukia dismissed it and looked out the window. "It's early...really early. The sun's just coming up."

"Well, we have at least an hour or two until we go to school then." Ichigo pointed out. His gaze drifted to Rukia's exposed chest. His eyebrows reflexively twitched upwards. He could hear Rukia gasp, but he could not look up for an unknown reason. His lower lip suddenly felt wet and it took a few seconds to realise he was drooling.

"Ichigo...are you sure you're alright?"

"Certitly." Ichigo said confidently. He frowned. "Wait...what did I just say?"

"Certitly." Rukia answered. Ichigo cursed and tore his gaze away from her, now resorting to look at the wall. "You're acting weird! What's wrong?"

"I...don't know! Ever since...yesterday, I've been having shit luck and...I keep feeling...strange ...around you." Ichigo tried to explain his predicament.

"Yesterday? You mean how I ran off on you?" Rukia asked.

Ichigo went red in the face. "Yeah, we'll go with that one." He really didn't want to admit to his dream about her just yet.

"God, I'm stupid!" Rukia yelled at herself. "I'm so selfish! I get so wound up in my own problems that I drag others into it!" Rukia slammed her fist into the bed and tears flowed down her cheeks. "I never meant to hurt you...I'm so sorry."

Ichigo felt a wave of guilt pass over him. He had lied to cover himself and now Rukia was even more upset than before. Ichigo cursed in his mind and tried to comfort her. "It's okay, sometimes it's hard to not draw others into your issues, it's not your fault..." Ichigo rubbed her back to comfort her, but it soon turned to comforting himself. He rubbed lower. Rukia was still weeping, not noticing Ichigo's slowly wandering hands.

"It'll be alright." Ichigo said, his mind, hands and eyes elsewhere. "By Christmas, everything will be forgotten.

Rukia wailed and cried even louder than before. She was sobbing hysterically now and Ichigo felt even more like dickhead.

_Shit! What have I done now?!_

Ichigo tried to reassure his sad friend, but it didn't seem to work.

"Shh, stop crying, it's making _me _sad." This only resulted in a worse fit of tears than his past outburst. "Rukia, please stop, I'll do anything!" He felt as if he were trying to quieten a childs tantrum in grocery store. "Please...please stop crying."

Rukia did not stop. She continued to wail like a lost child at a train station. Ichigo raised a hand and almost slapped her, but thankfully stopped himself before striking her.

"Stop it!!" He roared, but still, nothing.

Ichigo clenched his eyes shut and tried to think. Even that helped in no way. Ichigo was desperate, he had no idea what he would do, but he did do something...He jabbed her with his finger. In Ichigo's mind, he cursed loudly.

_She's not a fucking balloon you retard!_

Surprisingly, she quietened a little...only to start up again.

Ichigo assumed that the minor success would increase with every use, so he poked her again. As he thought, Rukia was quiet for longer. But it was still only a few seconds until she cried again. Ichigo closed his eyes again.

_Desperate times call for desperate measures..._

He poked a third time, but much, much lower. He did not know where they went...but they went _in_! His eyes hot open and he gazed at Rukia. Her mouth was wide open and her eyes wide.

_Oh shit! What did I do? Did I stab her?!_

"Ichigo..." She whispered. Ichigo leaned in close and listened. "Get...you finger...OUT OF MY ASS!!!" Rukia punched him in the face with the kind of force that would decapitate someone in a violent cartoon. Somehow, Ichigo survived without a broken neck, only a bleeding nose, mouth and a few broken teeth.

Rukia stared at her bloody hands and then her aggressive phase dissipated instantly and she returned to her sad self. "Oh., no! Ichigo, I'm so sorry!!" She jumped off the bed and helped Ichigo up, handing him a tissue to collect some of the blood flow. "I didn't mean to- well actually I did...but...I'm sorry.

"It otay." Ichigo mumbled.

"What?"

"I tink I bith my tung." Ichigo mumbled.

"Oh, poor baby." Rukia hugged him.

_Did she just call me baby?_

Ichigo shrugged and accepted the kind treatment.

*****

KARAKURA HIGH

Tatsuke and Orihime sat together at lunch.

"Great! Now Ichigo's gone as well!" Tatsuke frowned. To her, everyone was disappearing, but when it was close to that time of year, everyone did.

"Maybe he fell down stairs as well." Orihime said just before taking a huge bite out of a sandwich that could only be bought on the black market.

"Stairs? What are you-"

"Ichigo told me that Rukia was away cos' she fell down a flight of stairs." Orihime said, a few crumbs were on her upper lip.

"Orihime, wipe that away before..._She..._comes." Tatsuke whispered.

"Too late!!" A bright womanly voice yelled from a nearby tree. Tatsuke groaned and picked up a large branch, hurling it into the girl who was spying on them. The girl fell to the ground and grunted like a wounded gorilla. "Good shot...wait...do legs usually face that way...or bend like that? Um...I think I need a doctor!"

"And a therapist!" Tatsuke roared.

Orihime and Tatsuke giggled like girls half their age and went back to eating their lunch.

*****

Rukia had calmed down and Ichigo's concussions (Form the car and Rukia's thunderous punch) had both dissipated. Rukia had acted like a nurse for her friend, an idea which gave Ichigo a multitude of sexually themed thoughts. He had even at one point called her his 'naughty nurse' and only just escaped another deadly punch.

Now as the day wound down and the students returned home from school, everyone began to relax. Ichigo's family were watching TV as a family, but he still choose to stay in his room with his emotionally fragile friend.

"So, now that you're calm, explain the whole thing about you and the word Christmas. It sets you off like a fire alarm." Ichigo slipped in the joke to lighten the mood, but it only made her give a short laugh that sounded like a hiccup.

"Well, I have lived on this earth for a hundred and fifty years...and..." Rukia's eyes welled up with tears.

_Here we go again..._

"Not once...has he ever given me a present or even said Merry Christmas to me. He doesn't even smile at me!" Rukia began to sob, much more quietly than earlier.

"Who?" Ichigo asked, almost fearing that it was his fault.

"Byakuya...My own brother!"

"That bastard!" Ichigo cursed. "Well, don't worry, you've got me to celebrate with now!"

Rukia uttered something between sobs. "He 'sniff' hates meeeeee!" The 'e' was stretched out and went up higher in pitch until it was a squeal. She then wept into Ichigo's shoulder.

"Hey, I know! I'll get you the best present ever!" Ichigo shook her as if a response would fall out like coins from a piggy bank.

"You really mean it?" Rukia asked, her eyes lighting up.

"Sure, and I'll kick the snobby shit out of your brother!" Ichigo punched a fist and grinned. "I promise, we'll have the greatest Christmas party in the world!" Ichigo instantly regretted bringing so much responsibility on himself, but it meant getting a chance with Rukia...his secret crush, or at least he hoped was a secret crush.

Are you enjoying the story? Because if you aren't, remember what I said about that old fart with the grey beard? Anyway, please review.


	3. Jailbreak

3.

You can open this present early for...um...for clicking on the link? Anyway, enjoy and please review...don't be a stingy prick and receive a gift without giving one in return! If you do, then Santa will kick you...somewhere that hurts!!

About two hours later, Ichigo had caught himself in a looped string of curses, repeating them in the same order over and over again while pacing his room. Rukia was having a shower, so she could not overhear his obvious frustration.

"What would Rukia want as a present. I barely know anything about her!" Ichigo looked over at the calendar on his wall. "Oh crap...it's only three days to Christmas! I better buy her something quick!" Ichigo swiftly leapt out of the window, landing awkwardly on the way down, resulting in a sore leg. He limped down the street and at the end of the block, he could walk properly again.

The walk to the store was shorter than he thought. He expected time to think, but he was there before deciding on anything. He stopped outside an art shop and froze.

"Rukia likes to draw those stupid pictures! I'll get her an art set!!" He walked halfway into the store when he stopped again. "No! A stupid box of pencils won't cheer her up..." He walked back outside and grabbed his chin. "What is better than drawing bunnies?"

*****

FOUR MINUTES LATER

"Can I have the fluffy little white bunny in the window?" Ichigo asked the cashier at the pet store.

"Good choice!" The young girl said, taking the rabbit out of it's little cage. "He's so soft and cuddly!" She began to nuzzle the little creature and talking like a baby to it.

"He he...right. Can I buy him now?"

"Aww, I want to hug him some more....He's so wittle!!" The girl kissed the rabbit.

_I'm not sure whether to feel jealous or sorry for that thing..._

"Yeah, he is...wait!! Wittle?!"

"Yup! He's my little baby!" The girl chattered on in a child-like way.

"Okay...I thought I was going to buy the rabbit..." Ichigo scratched his head as the girl completely ignored him.

"He's mine!!" She yelled defiantly.

"Then why was he in the window with a price tag over him?" Ichigo asked, now quite irritated.

"You can't have him!! I love him!!" The girl squeezed the rabbit to the point of making it squeal. "Oh no! You hurt him!!" She pointed at Ichigo.

"What?! You're the one who strangled him, not me! I haven't even touched him yet!"

"You were going to touch him?! That's disgusting!! How could you do that to a little rabbit?!"

"No! Not like that!! You got it wrong!!" Ichigo tried to get closer to the girl.

"Get away from me and Cuddles, you filthy pervert!!" The girl retreated behind the counter.

"I don't molest animals Dammit!! Give me my bunny you stupid bitch!!" Everything went silent...uncomfortably silent. Ichigo slowly turned to face a young couple who stood frozen in the doorway. "Oh, about that...you see... me and the check out girl...where just having a uh..." Ichigo dove through the side window and ran off through the street...

Just as a police car drove past the shop.

"Fudge..." Ichigo stared at the two cops who stepped out of the car. At first they looked rather average sized, but then they stretched and grew to the size of towers.

_Okay...just act cool and they will let you off with a warning..._

Ichigo reassured himself, but that failed when they both took out their batons.

"Drop the loot kid!!" One of them roared. It sounded like a jet engine.

"Loot? I didn't take anything!" Ichigo tried to shout over the engine of a truck driving past. The police mustn't have heard him right as they were charging at him, full speed. They were a two man stampede.

Ichigo did what any man would...He screamed like a four year old girl and ran off as urine trickled down his leg. "They're gonna kill me!! They're gonna kill me!!" For their unnatural size, they were incredibly fast, catching the orange haired runaway within the span of two minutes. As he squealed like a tea pot, they dragged him back to the pet store where they struck him a few times with their weapons.

They dragged the poor young man inside where the young girl was stroking the rabbit protectively. She noticed Ichigo right away and pointed with an accusing finger. "He touches little bunnies!!"

"I told you I don't you little skank! I'll kill you!" He bit his tongue instantly and felt blood trickle inside his mouth.

"That death threat counts as attempted murder, son. You're also convicted of attempted burglary and indecent assault." The cop slapped a pair of hand cuffs on Ichigo's now pale hands and threw him into the back seat of their car.

After a short, depressing ride to the station, Ichigo found himself sitting in an uncomfortable chair, which used to have some padding, but was now harder than the wooden planks it was made from.

"What's your name son?" One of the cops kept regarding him as 'son' for some reason. Ichigo ignored it and quietly whispered his name. The cop wrote down his name and then asked his age.

"You a virgin, son?"

Ichigo almost fell off the chair. "No...why?! What does it have to do with anything?!" He went red in the face.

"Because if you go to prison you won't be! The big hairy guys like the young meat...and I'm not talking about food!" The cop laughed as Ichigo resisted the urge to throw up. "Ha ha- but seriously, they will sodomize you!" He suddenly said.

Ichigo went white. This provoked more laughter from the policeman.

"Right, enough fun. I'm going to have to call your parent's son. Are they at home right now."

Ichigo's eyes widened. His family couldn't know about this!

"Well, are they home or not?"

"No..." Ichigo lied. "But my sister is..."

"Sister huh? What's her name son?"

Ichigo almost blurted out, "IM NOT YOUR FUCKING SON!!" but somehow refrained. "her name...is Orihime."

"Alright, what's your home number?"

Ichigo recalled his friend Orihime's phone number. He recited it as the cop dialled it into an old white, corded phone. The man looked around blankly until she picked up, responding with a cherry, "HI!"

"Is this Orihime Kurosaki?"

Ichigo cursed in his mind.

"Well, someday, hopefully..." Orihime giggled. "Right now I'm Orihime Inoue." The cop did not delve deeper into that, thankfully.

"Look, your brother is at the station right now."

"My brother is dead!" The cop looked over at Ichigo.

"She doesn't like me much...she always says that." Ichigo lied on the spot.

The cop bought it. "Look, I don't want no crap missy! Your brother is here whether you like him or not and-" The phone next to him rang.

Ichigo approached him. "Can I talk to her?" He handed him the phone as he drifted over to the next one. When he was absorbed in that conversation Ichigo began to talk.

"Orihime, it's me Ichigo."

"Ichigo? What are you doing?" Orihime asked.

"Look, it's a long story, but I got accused of some stupid crap I never did and now they have me at the station. I told them to ring you and lied that you were my sister, because I really don't want my dad finding out." Ichigo took a deep breath. "Could you bail me out, please? I'll pay you back!"

"Well..." Orihime trailed off.

"Please? I'll take you to dinner or something, just get me out of here!!"

Orihime giggled. "Okay!"

"Right...If anyone asks, you're my brother and you absolutely hate me!"

"Got it!" Orihime laughed. "I love acting!"

Ichigo sighed. The policeman came back and snatched the phone from him. "Hello? You still there, missy?"

"Could I bail out my stupid brother. I don't want my parents to have to bother with such a troublesome child." She was pulling it off brilliantly.

The cop groaned. "Fine!" He said the price and then hung up. "You're gonna want to buy your sister dinner now, because she is bailing you out.

Ichigo almost laughed at the coincidence, but stopped.

Orihime arrived ten minutes later, holding a paper bag full of cash. The cop only took half and then undid Ichigo's handcuffs. "I'll let you off with a warning this time, son! Don't do it again!"

"I won't!" Ichigo said in the same way a student would lie to a teacher after doing something wrong.

Orihime skipped alongside him with the bag of money. "We have enough to have a great night out! Just you and me Ichigo!"

"Yeah...but, I'd like to change out of these clothes." Orihime looked down at his stained pants.

"Did you pee yourself?"

Not wanting to admit the truth, Ichigo groaned and lied. "No, I was going to but a rabbit, but it peed on me. I got angry and yelled at the cashier, then the cops came in and charged me." The excuse was quite good, considering it was done on the spot.

"You're going to buy a rabbit?"

"For Rukia, She's so down lately, I just want to cheer her up." Ichigo looked down at his feet. "Could you go in and buy it for me? I'll give you the money for it and..." He stopped to think.

"What?" Orihime leaned close.

Impulsively, Ichigo grabbed her and pulled her closer so he could kiss her, more passionately than he expected himself to do. Orihime went red in the face and laughed like a drunk. She blushed dark red and then held her hand out for the money.

*****

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER

After a short argument, well, if it could be called that...Ichigo and Orihime decided to keep the rabbit at her place, until Christmas. She went to set up a small pen for it while Ichigo went home to get changed.

When he returned to his house he found his mobile ringing. He checked his pockets and couldn't find it. He followed the source of the tinny ring tone and lifted a cushion on the couch. He picked up his phone just as the ringing stopped. He studied the screen and read the short message. 'You have nineteen missed calls.'

Ichigo went down the list, and every single one was from Rukia's mobile. He rushed upstairs to find Rukia sobbing in his bed, tissues scattered about her. She looked so miserable he almost cried himself. He knocked lightly on the door and Rukia's neck snapped up. Her eyes burst open and she pounced on him.

"Ichigo!! Where were you?! I called you so many times and you didn't answer...I thought you were dead!!" She squeezed him tighter than the girl at the pet store did to the rabbit.

"I was only gone an hour..." Ichigo muttered. Rukia kissed him like she had in the dream and Ichigo felt a wave of pleasure spread through him.

_Two girls in one night...this is one merry Christmas!_

Rukia stopped kissing him and sniffed the air. "You smell weird...like...like..."

"I don't smell anything, you must be smelling things!" Ichigo brushed the issue aside as he slipped into a new pair of jeans. "Now don't fret, I'm just going out for a few hours."

"Where to?"

"Um...to the store...for last minute Christmas shopping. I'm going to buy your super awesome present, so stay here."

"Ok..." She muttered.

"Be back soon!" He kissed her on the cheek and left. When he was outside, he stopped and pumped his fist into air. "Yes!! I am on a roll tonight!!"

Sorry, but this story won't be finished by christmas, as I'd originally hoped. But consider the ending as a late present. Anyway, please review...I deserve it, I've been nice! I mean, I may have pushed an old lady down some stairs...but she deserved it!!


	4. Damn Women

4.

Sorry it's so late. It's a fair bit past christmas, but I'm still going ot finish this story. I'll try and update sooner. Please read and review.

Ichigo met up with Orihime in the middle of the street. Orihime wore a grey dress which stopped halfway to her knees and had a low cut collar. She wrapped her arms around him and he lazily hugged her with one arm. He knew Orihime adored him, the proof was everywhere...but he did not share such a strong connection with her. This date was almost out of mercy, rather than actual affection. He felt strange, pretending to be in love when he really wasn't. Hopefully, Orihime's ditzyness would make her unable to notice his false love.

Ichigo was tired and made no effort to even notice the name of the restaurant. A man with slick black hair which was drowned in gel and a crisp white suit led them to a table for two. The tablecloth was white, with small patterns imprinted on it. Ichigo couldn't care enough to see what they were. The chairs were highly padded which made them comfortable enough to sleep in, but Ichigo wanted to stay awake, otherwise he would upset his friend.

He sank into the chair and studied the menu. Everything had a fancy name, even chips sounded like a delicacy the way it was worded. He ordered roast beef with several sides. He tuned out when Orihime told the waiter what she wanted.

_This could be a long night..._

"Thanks' for taking me out Ichigo, it's so nice."

"Yeah...it is isn't it..." Ichigo mumbled, looking off somewhere in the distance.

"What's up? You seem...distracted." Orihime noticed quickly.

"Oh, it's just...The whole thing with the police has...I don't know, just...Forget it! I can't explain it." In actual truth he just couldn't think up an excuse other than 'I'm tired.' He was thinking about Rukia rather than Orihime, another thing he didn't want to admit.

The waiter arrived with their meals. He smiled and Ichigo forced himself to return the gesture. Orihime thanked him in the loudest way possible and people sitting several metres away turned their heads to look. Ichigo sighed and tucked into his meal, devouring the meat more ravenously than a tiger.

"Wow...you sure are hungry." Orihime had not even touched her food, instead staring in awe at Ichigo.

"Yeah." Ichigo grunted while he ran a bit of meat through a puddle of gravy. He then shoved it in his mouth and swallowed it whole. "Aren't you gonna eat yours?" Ichigo pointed at her still untouched meal.

"Oh, right! I got carried away!" She smiled her usual beaming smile and then commenced eating. They finished their meals in silence and then both gazed at each other from across the table.

"That was lovely." Orihime commented as the waiter hovered over them, handing them the bill. Ichigo handed over the money and Orihime's eyes widened at the huge wad of cash. "Where did that come from?!"

"My wallet." Ichigo smirked.

"No! Where did it really come from?!" Orihime yelled so loud the other diners were staring again.

"I just took out a bit of money from my bank account...what's wrong with that?" Ichigo leaned back in his chair and the diners, disappointed in not seeing a show went back to their meals. "So, what are you doing for Christmas?" He asked casually.

"Oh, um...I'm not sure. I haven't put much thought into it; I've been too busy shopping."

"I'm gonna have a party." Ichigo said quietly. "Rukia's been down lately and I thought holding a big party would really raise her sprits."

"You're so thoughtful! No wonder all the girls fall for you..." Orihime's eyes sparkled as she spoke.

"Well, that girl at the pet store felt differently." Ichigo muttered. They both laughed at that. "Anyway, would you like to come?"

"Of course!" Orihime beamed.

"Well, invite a few friends; I want heaps of people to arrive." Ichigo grinned at the idea of having a giant party.

"So, where is it going to be?"

"Huh?"

"Well, where will we go?" Orihime pressed.

"Um...I never thought of that..." Ichigo looked at the table cloth. "Hmm, should have thought of that..." He fell silent and lost himself in thought for about five minutes. Orihime watched him awkwardly in silence. "Skip that one for now, any other questions?"

"Who else is going?" Orihime asked.

Ichigo fell silent again. "Shit!" He slapped himself on the forehead. "I am so bad at this! Dammit! What did I do?! Rukia's expecting a huge party and I haven't done anything and I've only got two days to-"

"Calm down Ichigo!" Orihime patted him on the shoulder. "I can help out if you want?"

"You would? Oh thank you Orihime! I'm lost in the dark on this one, so anything you could do would be a great help!" Ichigo rewarded her with a kiss. There was little passion on his end, but Orihime didn't catch on, she was too overexcited at going on a date with Ichigo.

Ichigo pulled away after a few minutes of playing along. He looked at his watch and frowned. "Wow, it got late pretty fast. I thought we'd only been here like an hour, but it's been three!"

"Really?!" Orihime almost jumped up and knocked the table over, but only had a mini-spasm.

"What's wrong, you got an appointment?"

"Me and Tatsuke were gonna go shopping together! She's probably waiting for me." Orihime got up and smiled almost forcedly at Ichigo. "I'm sorry, but I got to go. Thanks for a lovely night...and..." She jumped on Ichigo, knocking to the floor. Those seated around them stopped, mid-meal and watched as Orihime threw herself at her date. A man with wild black hair and a pale face watched the couple mindlessly courting on the floor. An old man was frozen in his seat; a fork with a piece of meat hovered over his mouth, perfectly still. His eyes were wide and he just stared.

A family at another table all stared at the girl. Her dress had come up, exposing her panties. The kids laughed, the wife frowned and the husband ogled her with a sly grin. His wife slapped him and he cursed in front of the children. That was one family's night ruined.

Ichigo tried lazily to resist, but he couldn't ignore Orihime's breasts rubbing against his chest. He burst out laughing, causing Orihime to pull away from the kiss and just sit on him. Ichigo's eyes watered and he found himself quickly losing his breath as his moronic laughter continued on for a full five minutes. By the time he stopped, his face was red and he was so breathless that it hurt his chest.

A waiter with gel-slick hair approached him with a sad smile. "I'm sorry sir, but you must leave now."

"Okay..." Ichigo wheezed as Orihime helped him up. They walked outside, accompanied by the piercing eyes of almost everyone in the whole restaurant. Once outside, the strange couple gazed at each other. The same words escaped their lips at the same time.

"I'm Sorry about that."

The coincidental timing of their words made them both laugh, but Ichigo stopped himself from cracking up again. "Wow, we acted like a bunch of drunks...that was fun."

"Yeah...it was. I'd love to do it again some time." Orihime suggested, giving him a seductive look.

"Maybe, but...first we need to set up that party." Ichigo changed the subject quickly.

"Okay, see you later!" Orihime jogged off up the road leaving Ichigo to stand alone in the darkened streets. A loud rumble made him jump and he stared at the sky as it started to rain. He froze when the drops splattered on his face, drenching his cheeks. He skipped home like a little girl singing.

"I'm singing in the rain! I'm singing the rain! What a glorious feeling, I want Orihime's breasts again!" Ichigo then collapsed to the gutter and laughed uproariously again. After five more minutes of senseless, boisterous laughing, he stopped. "What the fuck was in that gravy?!" He managed to get up and walk home.

By the time he reached the front door to the clinic, he was freezing cold and his clothes had become nearly see-through after being soaked so much. He cursed and knocked on the door.

Yuzu answered. "Ichigo?! It's so late! Where have you been? You're all wet!! Come in, come in!" She sounded like his mother, or an old woman. The thought of Yuzu wearing a shawl and hobbling about with a walking stick made Ichigo giggle. "What is it?" Yuzu turned to him.

"Oh, nothing, it's just funny how you act like mum..." He trailed off and changed the subject. "Can I have a towel?"

*****

Ichigo opened his bedroom door, a bathroom towel draped over his shoulder. The lights were off and the cupboard door was shut. He sighed. Rukia must have already gone to sleep, a shame, since Ichigo's encounter with Orihime had lit up a fire within him that he had saved for the real girl of his dreams.

'sniff, sniff'

Ichigo's eyes widened. The noise was very quiet, but he definitely heard it.

'Sniff'

There it was again. Ichigo switched on the light and expected something to be there, but the room was still empty. He walked on his toes to the cupboard and noticed the door was open enough to peek inside. He pressed his face up to the gap and found Rukia curled up on the mattress, a photo of himself in her arms. He almost cried at the sad sight. She must have been so worried about Ichigo while he was out. She sniffed again and Ichigo noticed a little trickle of liquid on her cheeks. She had cried herself to sleep...

Ichigo frowned at her and silently opened the door fully. The light that swept in failed to wake her. He slipped his arms under her and lifted her gently. Her hands let go of the photo, but she stayed asleep. Ichigo walked slowly to his bed, aiming to place her gently there and then huddle up next to her. Unfortunately, that plan failed miserably.

The door was pushed open and Yuzu burst into the room. "Ichigo, are you hungry?"

"Whoa! Shit!" Ichigo was so startled he accidentally threw Rukia at the floor. She collided with a painfully loud thud and Ichigo winced at the sound. "Dammit Yuzu! How many times do I have to tell you! Knock on the door before coming in!"

Rukia cursed and rubbed the back of her head. "Argh! What was that?!" She looked up into Ichigo's eyes and she suddenly felt relieved. "Ichigo..."

Yuzu frowned and slid out of the room, acting as she never went in. Neither Ichigo or Rukia noticed her go.

"Ichigo...I was so worried. You were gone for hours and I thought-" Ichigo cut her off and picked her up, cradling her in his arms. Even though he was soaking wet, she felt a warmth coming from him.

"I'm sorry I made you upset. I'm going to make it up to you. By Christmas, you will be the happy girl I always knew. No more mopey, concerned, depressed moods..."

"What's that supposed to mean?!" Rukia asked, insulted.

"Well, it's just...you've been really depressed lately, and I don't like seeing you like this. But I'm going to fix everything! Just wait and see!"

"How?"

"I've already told you! I'm going to throw a huge party and everyone's gonna be there, even your brother!" That made her smile. "And this time, he will say 'Merry Christmas', or so help me I'll shove a candy cane so far up his ass his shits will be stripy!" They both laughed at the odd threat and they collapsed into the bed.

"Thank you Ichigo...you've been so thoughtful lately...it's...its so kind-" She began to cry again.

Ichigo groaned. "Are you sure this is just your time of the month or something?" Rukia froze and glared at him with burning eyes. "What? What did I say?" The question was answered by a sharp kick to the nose. Ichigo fell off of the bed and growled. "Damn! That hurt!"

"You can sleep there now!" Rukia said.

"Hell no! That's my bed! You should be more grateful, I'm offering to let you sleep there instead of in a cupboard, and you repay me by trying to break my nose!"

"You don't make jokes about women's problems! It's just not right!"

"So is bleeding for five days without a wound." Ichigo replied smugly. Rukia roared and tackled him. They wrestled for a while, but had to stop when Ichigo's nose bled and his left eyes became ringed in black bruises.

As Ichigo held a tissue over his nose and tilted it up, Rukia giggled.

"What are you laughing at, smart ass?" Ichigo glared at her.

"I feel much better now...I feel at home..." Rukia sighed and lay back on the bed and fell asleep.

"Hey! Don't go to sleep! I need help!" As if on cue, Yuzu came into the room dressed in a nurse's outfit and carrying a first aid kit.

"Don't worry Ichigo! I'm here to help you!" Rukia heard Ichigo's audible sigh of resentment and laughed while hiding under the covers.

"Yuzu, I can take care of myself!"

"Nonsense. Now let me take a look at you. Wow, someone hit you pretty good! Who was it?" Yuzu asked, looking around nervously.

"A girl." Ichigo replied bluntly.

"Oh..." Yuzu looked down at her hands. "Ha ha ha!! A girl!!"

"Shut up!" Ichigo roared. He over heard Rukia's muffled laughter and felt his pride die away.

Footsteps outside made his eyes narrow. His other sister walked in and stared at Ichigo's black eye. "Whoa! Did you get into a fight with Chad or something?"

"No...It was a girl!! A girl beat him up!!" Yuzu yelled out hysterically. Karin joined her, falling to the floor grasping her stomach.

"Grrrrr! This is so stupid!-" Ichigo was interrupted by a voice downstairs...his father.

"What was that? Ichigo got beaten up by a girl? Ha ha!"

Ichigo tried to remain calm. He bunched his fists and bit his tongue, but it didn't work in the end.

"FUCK!!!"

**_Please Review!!_**


	5. Fail

5.

The next day, Ichigo's wounded face healed, but his wounded pride ate away at him still. He woke up and shot Rukia a fierce glare. It made her upset, so he forced himself to smile. Something was really wrong with her. Even the slightest problem could send her into a fit of tears...maybe drugs would help...

Ichigo discarded the thought and got dressed. He was hoping to organise the party today, he would need to do it quick since Christmas was a day away now.

Orihime rang him early telling him she had invited their school friends and booked a large hall for the night. Ichigo thanked her and asked if there was anything he could do. Orihime texted him a list and he studied it curiously.

"Where the hell do I buy Santa hats?!" Ichigo frowned. He set off for the shops and found himself stuck in a department store. He studied the trees. All were plastic imitations with built in lights, with additional lights over the top. He grimaced at the prices, but realised Rukia was worth it. He would spend a thousand dollars on her...well, maybe six hundred...or five...one hundred...

Ichigo stopped thinking about it and picked out a tall tree with all the decorations already on it. He thought he'd found a bargain; until he realised there were no decorations in the box. He looked around nervously and grabbed a roll of tinsel and a few baubles, stuffing them into the box while the aisle was empty. He ticked the tree off in his mind.

_Ok...next up...food._

Ichigo walked into a butchers store and noticed large ham legs and turkeys and beef and many more delicious meats. He looked from one to the next repetitively, unsure of which to pick. The butcher sighed.

"Just flip a coin kid; I've got work to do!"

"No...I don't want to pick the wrong one...come to think of it, I don't even know if Rukia eats meat." Ichigo gasped. "What if she's a vegetarian?! She'll cry at the sight of a dead turkey!! I can't let that happen!!"

The butcher frowned.

"Sir, do have like...non-meats?" Ichigo asked.

"Oh, you one of those tree-hugging pansies? Get out of my store!"

"No, no! My friend is...well...she could be a vegetarian so..."

"What the hell do you mean 'could' be a vegemoron?" The butcher growled angrily.

"Well...let me call her, I'll find out!" Ichigo took out his phone and dialled Rukia's number. Rukia answered sleepily.

"Hello?"

"Rukia, do you like baby cows?" Ichigo asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"So, you would never want to see a cow get harmed?"

"No."

Ichigo bit his lip. "What if it was...a bird?"

"Huh? No, I don't like seeing animals in pain. What's this for anyway?" Rukia asked suspiciously.

"Nothing...what if the animal was already dead? Would that be upsetting?" Ichigo queried.

"Of course it would!" Rukia snapped. "Why? You didn't kill a cow did you?!"

"No, no! I'd never do that...it's just...never mind. Bye!" Ichigo hung up and sighed. "I'll leave it for today." Ichigo walked out, ignoring the butcher's angry glare.

Ichigo now had to find party food and somehow work out what a vegetarian Christmas meal is and who would be stupid enough to sell it. He found the party food easily enough, but he struggled with the vegetarian option. He walked past the fruit section at the grocery store and frowned.

"Um...would she just eat...like a salad?" Ichigo placed a finger on his chin. He failed to come up with any ideas, so he left it.

Now having failed twice, Ichigo felt rather stupid.

"Okay...next up is...Drinks? Does she mean alcohol? We're minors...Oh well. It ain't a party without booze, I guess." Ichigo strolled casually up to the liquor store. The front entrance was unguarded. No security or cashiers...it would be easy. Ichigo walked right in and began perusing the selections of beer. He had no idea what to get and so closed his eyes and spun his finger around, stopping randomly and opening his eyes. He had pointed to a blue case. He went to pick it up when he overheard someone arguing at the counter.

_Damn! The cashier came back!!_

"What do you mean you don't sell sake anymore?!" The voice sounded strangely familiar.

"Mate, we haven't sold sake in liquor stores for years! You're living in the past! Just buy some beer, its similar enough!" the cashier was getting rather irritated.

"I want sake! I only drink sake! It is the perfect drink!"

"Well the perfect drink is no longer in stock, so go elsewhere!"

"Who do you think you're talking to? I'm the cap- uh, sorry. I shouldn't have raised my voice."

Ichigo went on his toes and attempted to look over the shelves at the bickering men, but the one at the counter turned around and Ichigo fell over just before he would have been spotted. Ichigo grabbed the case of beer and ran towards the entrance, but then footsteps approached. Ichigo's eyes narrowed and he ran in the opposite direction, looking back to make sure the approaching person didn't see him. He thought he'd made it when he ran into something. He was knocked to the floor and the boxed up tree in one hand went flying and the case in the other dropped to the floor and exploded, spraying beer all over the place. Ichigo lay sprawled on the floor and noticed a man in strange black robes. He bent down and studied Ichigo's face with a frown.

"Kurosaki?"

Ichigo stared at the rice farmer's hat which was painted red and had a white fluffy ball on top. Only one person would wear such ridiculous things. "Kyouraku? You're a shinigami! What are you doing down here?"

"I could say the same thing for you." He sounded like an angry parent scolding his child. He waved a finger. "You're underage and it's illegal for you to drink this stuff, let alone steal it."

Ichigo felt the angry glare of the cashier burning into his back. He needed a damn good excuse, and quick. Ichigo frowned. And closed his eyes. He thought of his mother's death and it brought him to tears. "A man forced me to do it!" He wailed. Shunsui's eyes widened.

"What? What man?"

"He was a big scary guy and he told me he'd touch me if I didn't go get him some booze. I...I...I just felt so scared that I had to go get it for him!" Ichigo sobbed and wailed and Shunsui wore a sympathetic expression.

"Sir, I'll pay for the mess, just take this." Kyouraku handed him a few notes of money and the cashier walked off. Kyouraku then helped Ichigo to his feet and led him out of the store, carrying the tree in one hand and holding Ichigo up with the other. Passers by would stare at them, as Ichigo had found he could not control the tears he forced himself to create.

_Dammit! I've completely screwed up! I have no food, no drinks, nothing except for a freaking tree!_

Ichigo found himself seated on a comfy lounge. Shunsui sat at the one opposite him.

"So...this man? What did he look like?"

"Oh, there was no man! I made that up! Dammit!! I'm so useless!!"

"Hey, what are you talking about? Without you, Soul Society would be destroyed and no doubt Rukia-Chan would be dead! You are not useless!"

"At battle maybe, but at normal stuff I just fail every time! I can't even buy food for a freaking party!!"

"Party?" Shunsui cocked his head.

"I'm supposed to be throwing a Christmas party, but I can't even organise the simplest things."

"Christmas? How far away is that?"

"It's tomorrow. Didn't you know?" Ichigo asked.

"No. I guess we shinigami get so caught up in our work we forget these things...I can help if you want? I love parties! It's my middle name!"

"Really?" Ichigo asked sarcastically.

"No, it's Kashi." Shunsui bowed his head as if he was ashamed. "Anyway, what do you need?"

"Everything...I only have a tree." Ichigo pointed to the brightly decorated box.

"Well, I'll go sort everything out, hey; I could even invite some shinigami to the party! I'm sure Rukia would be happy to see that, she need's to smile."

"How did you know about that?" Ichigo asked, shocked.

"She has done it every year for the past two decades. I'd have to be really dumb not to pick up on it."

"Two decades...Wow..."

"Poor girl. All she want's is for her brother to just acknowledge her, but he's such a cold bastard he hasn't even said Merry Christmas." Shunsui clasped his hand together and stared at them. Ukitake has always thought of adopting her, but it was never permitted."

"Well, I'm hoping this party will make her happy. I will try my best to see her smile!"

"Good on you Kurosaki. How about you go and keep her company until tomorrow. I'll handle the party supplies."

"Are you sure you can do it?" Ichigo asked.

"Of course! I've been throwing parties for several hundred years, I know how to organise them."

"Okay then. See you tomorrow." Ichigo gave the address for the party and then set off. He walked through the shops, heading for the exit but he stopped in his tracks at a clothes store. He studied a mannequin wearing a Christmas outfit. It was quite skimpy, but the thought of Rukia wearing it made him smile. He tried to ignore it and kept on walking, but he backtracked and went to the shop a second time. This time he bought it and rushed home to show his depressed friend.

*****

Ichigo was halfway to his home when his phone rang. Orihime's name and number displayed on his screen.

"Hello?"

"Ichigo, we have a problem!"

"What?"

"Your little Christmas present for Rukia...it um...it's taken a crap on absolutely everything in my apartment! I can't even walk around without having to wipe my feet ten times!! It...It smells awful! You have to take him!"

"What, but it's only one more day! I'm sure you can manage-"

"Take the damn bunny before I cook it!!" Orihime sounded more aggressive than Ichigo would have ever expected.

"Fine! I'll pick him up."

"Well hurry up, he's about to go again on my window-sill."

Ichigo hung up and changed his direction to Orihime's place. A minute later the phone rang again.

"Oh, Ichigo, it's horrible!! The bunny...he...he just...he fell out the bloody window!!"

"What?! Why didn't you stop him?!"

"Because if I pick him up he shits in my hand! Oh...the poor little thing...oh, he's dead..."

Ichigo pinched the bridge of his nose. "So...I have to buy a new rabbit?"

"Well, if Rukia doesn't want a fur hat, then yes, you do." Ichigo winced at Orihime's words. "Well, good luck with the cleaning."

"Oh...it's everywhere...He's stuck to the road...eww gross!" Ichigo hung up when Orihime made a retching noise. He frowned and changed direction again, this time for the pet store.

It was a surprisingly short walk there. He stood outside and looked through the window. A tall man with glasses was at the counter talking to a couple of kids. Ichigo ran in and found a new rabbit. It was also white and fluffy and looked similar enough to the first one. Ichigo walked over to the counter and the man smiled.

"Hello, I'd like that rabbit." Ichigo pointed to the ball of fur.

"Well, I'd love to serve you, but I'm supposed to be on break right now. My friend here will serve you." He stepped aside and the annoying little girl walked up to the counter. Her eyes widened when she laid eyes on Ichigo and Ichigo returned the gesture.

"Not you again!!" They said at the same time.

"No! You're the bunny fiddler! I thought you were arrested!" The girl jabbed an accusing finger at Ichigo who scowled.

"I don't have sexual relations with animals!" Ichigo turned around and the kids from before all stared at him. "Oh! I don't have time for this shit!" Ichigo ran over to the cage and opened it, taking the rabbit out.

"NO! What are you doing to Mr Fluffy?!" The girl leaped over the counter and Ichigo ran out of the store. The girl chased him, she was fast, but then again she was half the weight of Ichigo.

"Get the hell away from me!!"

"You stole Mr Fluffy! I'll kill you!!"

"Let it go, it's just a bunny!"

"Just a bunny?! You don't know anything!!" The girl had tears spurting out of her eyes, yet she still maintained a vicious glare. She caught up to Ichigo and grabbed his leg, trying to stop him.

"Get off!!"

"NO!" Ichigo shoved her away, but she kept coming. "I'll never let you touch Mr Fluffy!" Ichigo froze. The girl grabbed him again. "Ha! Got you, you monster!"

Ichigo growled a menacing, long deep sound that made the girl hesitate. "I...Don't...Touch... Animals!!!" Ichigo threw a punch and he caught the girl full in the face, throwing her into the gutter. Ichigo's eyes widened when he saw blood on his fist. He began to shake when the girl stopped moving. "Oh shit!" Ichigo's voice went high pitched. "What have I done? What have I freaking done?! Did I just kill her?!" Ichigo tapped her with his foot and she didn't move. Ichigo screamed and ran home with the bunny in his blood-stained hands.

When he got home he wrenched the door open and slammed it shut behind him. He locked the windows and drew the curtains and peeked out into the street nervously.

"Jesus! I'm going to jail! I'm screwed!! Rukia will be so upset if I went to prison...Grr! This is terrible!!"

"Ichigo, you're home!" Rukia was at the top of the stairs. Ichigo yelped and threw the rabbit at the lounge. It landed softly and lay there. "What's wrong...you look pale."

"I'm fine." Ichigo said in a high pitch.

"What's that on your hand?" Rukia pointed to his red hand.

"What? This? Oh it's wet paint! Yeah! Ha ha! Wet paint!!" Ichigo said hysterically.

"Ok...so, what was that whole animal cruelty thing about? Did you meet a Green Peace person or something?" Rukia walked down the stairs and noticed the bag in his hand. "What's in there?"

"It's, um..." Ichigo was so tense he had completely forgotten. He took it out and showed her the skimpy Mrs Santa suit. "It's some nice clothes to wear for the party!"

"Wouldn't I be cold in an outfit like that?" Rukia asked, taking them from him and holding them up against herself.

"I'll keep you warm." Ichigo joked.

Rukia frowned at the stupid joke and then walked over to the couch. "You want to watch some TV? There's nothing else to do."

"Ok..." Ichigo sat on something furry. He knew immediately what it was. He swiftly picked it up and set it down behind the couch where Rukia wouldn't see. The TV came on and a news channel was displayed.

#A small girl was left for dead in the streets of Karakura today. The girl, aged only eleven was beaten in the middle of the street and left alone for some time until a passer by found her. She is currently in hospital and is in a stable condition.#

"Oh thank god!" Ichigo said out loud. He felt Rukia's gaze burn into him and he turned to her. "Thank god she's alright...at least she survived, I hope that guy get's his ass kicked!" Rukia smiled and turned back to the television.

#The girl said she did not know much about the attacker, only that he said he has sexual relations with small animals and that he has spiky orange hair.#

Rukia's gaze bore into him again. Ichigo turned to her and whispered, "Coincidence?"

#CCTV footage shows the man who apparently robbed the store a short time before attacking the girl who was one of the staff.#

The footage of Ichigo arguing at the counter and then running off played.

"Ichigo...you mind explaining that?" Rukia turned to face Ichigo, but he was gone.

Ichigo in trouble now! This story is nearly finished, only one or two chapters to go. Please review.


	6. The Party

6.

It was Christmas Eve and the sun had retreated under the frost covered horizon. As people enjoyed themselves, Ichigo huddled into a ball inside the bushes in his front yard, freezing half to death. He was waiting for everyone to forget what had been shown on the news recently...his robbery of a pet store. The rabbit had wandered off somewhere safe, unlike the first one, which had met a gruesome end falling out of a two story window.

The day of reckoning was tomorrow...the time had come. If Ichigo's friends failed to organise what he could not, then everything would crumble. Rukia would stay in her depressive mood and this would be the worst Christmas ever...Ichigo needed to succeed or put simply...he was fucked.

"Ichigo...I'm sure there's a big misunderstanding about this. I'm sorry if I made you feel bad...its al my fault..." It was Rukia, and she was feeling guilt, this could only mean... "I'm so sorry Ichigo..." true to form, she was sobbing again.

Ichigo burst out of the bushes covered in snow and wrapped his cold arms around her. They went back indoors and sat on the couch.

"So...where's my family?"

"They went to sing carols and see Santa at the store...apparently they still believe in him..."

"It's a surprise with Karin. She's usually so cynical about everything, yet she still clings to those childish beliefs." Ichigo looked at the tree in the corner of the room, it's usually green leaves now turned into every other colour in existence with help from more lights than a lamp store and an assortment of decorations. The pile of presents underneath brought a smile to his face.

"So...what do you think you'll get for Christmas?" Ichigo asked.

"I don't know, but it won't be what I really want..." Rukia averted her gaze and frowned.

"Hey...you like bunnies don't you?"

"What? Like Chappy?"

"Yeah."

"Of course...I love Chappy!" The smile returned to her face at the thought of the stupid cartoony rabbit.

"It's a shame they don't sell Chappy dolls...I would have bought one for you." Ichigo muttered.

"That would have been sweet, but the Shinigami women's association doesn't manufacture toys." Rukia looked unhappy again. Ichigo cursed in the back of his mind. Anything even remotely negative would make her feel bad...this was difficult.

Ichigo looked to the clock and gasped. "What the...? I was out hiding in the bushes for two hours?! Why did you wait so long to come get me?!"

"I figured you would just come back if I didn't try to find you, but after a while it didn't work so I did look."

"Oh...geez, it's pretty late. I feel like going to sleep, what about you?"

"Sure. But um..." Rukia's face went red and she shuffled her foot on the carpet, looking at it instead of Ichigo. "I was wondering...Could I...?"

"What?"

"Could I sleep in your bed? Just for tonight!" She said it innocently, like a child. Ichigo nodded and smiled and Rukia giggled sheepishly. They ascended the stairs and hopped into the bed. Rukia faced away from Ichigo for several minutes, but eventually rolled over, nestling her body into his and wrapping an arm around him. Ichigo placed an arm protectively around her and they fell asleep.

*****

Ichigo awoke with the sound of busy rustling and excited chirps from his sisters. He rubbed his eyes and turned around expecting to see Rukia, but found an empty abscess where she had been. He leaned over, thinking she may have rolled off or something, but the floor was bare too. He got dressed and made his way to the staircase. He found Rukia crouching on the stairs, watching Yuzu and Karin opening presents with warm smiles and innocent cheers.

"It's nice isn't it?" Ichigo asked sitting down beside Rukia.

"I never had this as a child. Or...at least, I never remembered...I can't remember anything about my human life...no friends, family...special times...I miss them." Ichigo placed a hand on her shoulder and she glanced over at him for a moment before returning to watching the kids. "In Soul Society, we never celebrated Christmas. Everyone in Rukongai was too poor to afford anything that wasn't for themselves...even as a shinigami, we were ordered not to celebrate those things as they would distract us from our duties..."

"That's pretty stupid." Ichigo growled.

"Huh? I heard Ichigo!! He's awake!!" Yuzu started to chirp.

"Look's like that's my cue, I'll see ya later but..." Ichigo leaned in close to Rukia so that his face was only a few centimetres away from hers. "Merry Christmas." Ichigo hugged her and he felt her body stiffen at the gesture.

Rukia sniffed several times. "Merry Christmas...Ichigo...Thank you so much..."

Rukia wiped away her joyful tears to watch Ichigo bound down the stairs and charge into the living room where he acted like a fool to his family's amusement. Rukia giggled quietly as Ichigo's sisters jumped on him and buried him in small boxes filled with presents. Ichigo opened them with overacted surprise at the simple gifts. He then showed some to his sisters who opened them and cheered when they pulled out their presents. Isshin sat back on the lounge with a wine bottle wrapped in a ribbon which he took long sips from every minute.

It was a simple Christmas...but the fact that Rukia had never seen it for a hundred years made her feel as if it was a lavish event.

Throughout the day, she sat in the closet, keeping the door open slightly with Ichigo's TV switched on, displaying old Christmas movies. She watched them as the day dragged on, until Ichigo came in and noticed her eye in the small gap between the door and wall. He sighed and opened it fully.

"Dad took my sister to see a few relatives. Anyway, this party is going to be starting soon. We should get ready!"

"Sure...Um...Was I supposed to wear your uh...Gift?" Rukia gestured to the folded up outfit Ichigo had bought.

"Well, you don't have to but...I did buy it for you to wear..." Ichigo said, hoping to make her wear it. She tilted her head and shrugged.

"Oh well, it's still warm, it shouldn't bother me." She retreated into the cupboard and closed the door for a short time before stepping out in the costume. Ichigo couldn't suppress the wide grin at the sight of the modest girl in a skimpy outfit; it was a present in itself in Ichigo's mind. She wore a short red skirt and a thick black belt. She also wore a red strapless top with a fur trim on the bust. She studied herself in the reflection. "Hmm. It's actually not that bad..."

"Only one thing missing!" Ichigo placed a Santa hat on her head and chuckled. "There!"

Ichigo dressed in casual clothes and sent Rukia outside while he hunted for the rabbit. He found it nibbling at the floor underneath his bed and he took it out and placed it in a cardboard box. He poked several air holes in it and then carried it downstairs. He found Rukia waiting outside as instructed and he locked the front door before walking off into the street.

It was a short walk to the party venue and by the time they reached it, the time was four in the afternoon. They walked into the hall and found a huge room with no people in it. The lights were dim and it was hard to see. Ichigo set the box down at the door and looked around.

"Funny...I thought they would be here by now..." He sighed. "Well, go take a seat; I'm sure they'll turn up soon enough."

Rukia walked ahead and stepped into a dark area which suddenly became illuminated. She gasped in surprise, but it was nothing compared to the shock when everyone she knew suddenly popped dup from nowhere.

"SURPRISE!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!" It was not only her friends from the school, but the shinigami too.

Captain Ukitake placed a hand on her shoulder and laughed. "Hope we didn't scare you there..." Rukia was shaking. She looked around the room. It was decorated with everything imaginable. Large tables of food were set up and everyone was chatting and laughing and smiling. Rukia's name was written on a huge banner at one end of the hall and Rukia felt tears well up in her eyes at the sight of it.

"Thank you all...this is so wonderful..." She trailed off, unable to speak anymore. Ichigo tapped her on the shoulder and she turned around to see a white ball of fluff. She stared at it, unsure what it was, but it quickly settled in. "Is that...Is it really...a...bunny?"

"Yep! And he's yours! Merry Christmas Rukia." Ichigo placed the rabbit in her hands and her jaw dropped. "Do you like him?"

Rukia's gaze drifted up to Ichigo, then her eyes closed, then she collapsed...

*****

"Hey! Rukia!! Whoa, we thought we lost you for a second there!" Ichigo helped her up. She had just fainted.

"Ichigo...you didn't need to do all of this." Rukia said, despite rubbing her face into the rabbit's fur.

"Of course I didn't! But it was what I wanted. My present from you is your smile." Ichigo grinned and Rukia suddenly pounced on him. He yelped like a startled cat until he realised Rukia was just hugging him. He returned the gesture and they remained like that while the others cheered and had drinks.

After a while, everyone feasted on a large meal of beef, ham, turkey and anything else they could ever want.

"Kyouraku, how did you afford this? It's like a few billion yen of food!" Ichigo looked at the huge amounts of food.

"Oh, well, we shinigami have special bank accounts...when you save for a few hundred years, you get a large amount of money." Shunsui laughed as he down a cup of sake.

Everyone celebrated for hours, drinking until they were red faced and delirious. Others laughed so hard that their ribs hurt. Others told jokes and anecdotes until their throats were hoarse. Others sang and one girl sat watching everyone with a smile, but still a hint of a frown.

"What's up Rukia? This is the best party ever thrown and you're still sad." Ichigo looked sympathetic.

"Well, the party is great...I'm glad you all came, but one person forgot...again..."

"Don't be so sure!" Shunsui smirked. I got an old friend to drag him along!"

"Who?" Ichigo asked as a senkai gate opened and a sudden overwhelming reiatsu burst into the room. A large blast of yellow energy came through and with it, a maniacally laughing Kenpachi.

"He thought he could beat me!! He was wrong!! I knocked him out and dragged him here, just as you asked!" Kenpachi threw something on the floor. It was Byakuya Kuchiki, roughed up, but alive.

"Byakuya?" Rukia got down on the floor and helped him up. He stared at her with cold eyes and said nothing.

"Say it!" Kenpachi pinched a nerve on Byakuya's neck and his body twitched.

"Damn you!"

"Say it!!"

"Fine!" Kenpachi let go and Byakuya looked into Rukia's eyes. "Rukia...I'm sorry for not saying this so many years ago but...Merry Christmas."

Rukia screamed and hugged her brother who grunted, his body still bruised from his fight with Zaraki.

The new celebration went on for a while longer, until the night began to draw down. People were finished eating and drinking.

Shunsui approached the centre of the room and clanged his glass with a spoon to get everyone's attention. "Alright, I firstly want everyone to raise their glasses in a toast to Ichigo Kurosaki, for thinking this whole thing up." He raised his glass and everyone did the same, even a reluctant Byakuya. "Next, a toast to me and my co-organiser Miss Inoue." Orihime rose to her feet and people toasted her. "Next, to the girl we all care for the most, Miss Kuchiki." Everyone cheered and Rukia blushed.

Shunsui closed his eyes for a moment. "Now, everyone knows that Christmas isn't Christmas, without Santa....so..." Shunsui waved a hand to a newly formed senkai gate. A dark figure stepped out and when the bright light faded, he was visible.

The captain commander, Genryusai Yammamoto Shigekuni, wore a Santa suit and his cane was painted like a candy cane. His one eye glared at everyone in the room and he uttered one thing.

"I hate you all."

A wave of uproarious laughter ensued and Rukia joined in. Her depressed mood disappeared and she had a merry, merry Christmas.

**End**

Aww, doesn't it just make you feel warm and fuzzy inside? Anyway, that's the end. I hope you enjoyed my pretty much one and only non-violent story ever written. I enjoyed it at least, but please review, I want to know what you thought.


End file.
